Sunday, March 20, 2011

box #20: escaping the past?

I opened a beer.

(sighed at the thought of unpacking a box today.)

I opened a box.


I started a fire. 

I inserted a mix cd from a friend labeled 'other bitchin songs' (part 1).

The box was labeled memory boxes...memories, yes, boxes no.  A pile of photos, cards, extra invitations, album from a shower, a wedding bulletin...

This was the box I had been dreading.  As I packed up things in Indiana...I wasn't sure how I felt about wedding stuff.  I mean I have boxes full of photos...that just sit there, in the boxes.  Do I want more?  I definitely won't forget that I was married.  That's for do I keep stuff from that day?  Do I get rid of it?  Ugh.  When I was packing stuff up, my dear friend Nan said, you don't need to decide now...label it memory boxes and make those decisions another day. 

Well, Nan, I guess today is the day. 

I will carry the memories of that day and my marriage and divorce with me where ever I go.  My past experiences have shaped who I am today.  I will not forget my past, but I also don't need to keep everything related to my past. 

Tears were shed as I dug through that box.  I still have the cross stitch that my mom made for the occasion.  I found smiles and laughter as I saw faces of friends and loved ones who still love me, even in the midst of me learning about love and life.  I saw moments with friends full of laughter and joy.  I thank God for those moments and those people.  Those pictures have gone into a new memory box.  I hope to send notes/cards and those photos to those people as they bring joy to my life here and now. 
Other photos have danced in the flames of the fireplace...and memories have turned to ash. 

I can't imagine seeking solace through the characters of LOST tonight.  My own thoughts, memories and prayers are enough for today.  Thinking about how different my life is now...from what it once was.  Breathing deeply...and bracing myself for whatever the next step may be.  Knowing that I would like to be in relationship with someone, but not needing to be...just thinking I truly enjoy my vocation and my life right now....and I'm just waiting for the right person to come along with whom I can share this joy.  

Until that person comes along, I celebrate the me who God created me to be.  I know that who I am today is from all the experiences in my past...good and bad...I'm also thankful for family and friends that God has brought into my life to be with me through all those times. 

Thanks y'all...

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